What makes a gift meaningful?

My wife gave me a jar. I gave my dad an alligator.

They're two of the gifts I think about most.

The jar

The jar came early in our relationship. It was filled with notes about us, and I opened one each day. Song lyrics, quotes from books and movies, things we'd done together, things she loved about me. Years later, I don't remember most of the individual notes, but I remember how it felt to read them. It's still one of the most meaningful gifts I've received.

I've thought about that jar a lot since, partly because it's the kind of gift I'd like to give. When you give someone a gift, you want them to love it. But you also want it to say something about how much they matter to you. That second part can be harder to shop for.

The gift you're second-guessing

One option is something more sentimental or personal, like framing a photo from a trip you took together. But do they remember that trip as fondly as you do? Is a photo enough? Is it a little cheesy? Feels risky.

I have that hesitation too. But sentimental gifts are more welcome than we tend to assume:

That framed photo deserves another look. You might be worrying about whether it's enough while they're still fondly remembering that trip.

Why some things stay special

We get used to new things. The excitement fades. Researchers call it hedonic adaptation, and my co-founder Eli wrote about why it happens, and how spacing things out helps.

Sentimental value also seems to slow the process down. A gift can lose some of its novelty while holding on to what it means. That's the jar.

So here's a useful question to bring to a gift: what will this help them remember?

Say the part they can't see

Sometimes the thought behind a gift stays with the person giving it. We know why we chose it, and we hope they'll understand, but often we don't say it.

Saying what you appreciate about someone can feel vulnerable. You want it to come out right. But it will probably land better than you expect:

The words don't have to be perfect. Here are a couple of gifts I might give, and the note I'd write with each. Open each one to see what the note adds.

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Helping people say those things is part of why I'm building WithLuv with Eli. It brings together messages, memories, gifts, and photos from someone's friends and family, then delivers them as surprises over the weeks and months after an occasion.

It feels a lot like that jar of notes.

The alligator

I gave my dad the alligator because, for some reason, it reminded me of the pond he maintained in his backyard in Atlanta, and the time we spent there together. Maybe that pond seemed a lot bigger to me when I was a kid.

I didn't send a note with it. If I were giving it today, this is what it would say: